My letter to the president.

Baron de Montesquieu said, 'Government was set up so that no man need be afraid of another,' why then are so many living in fear?

The hard facts are that many of our leaders have failed us. Those who are meant to represent, speak for, and serve us have been turned and changed by the 'status' and the 'power' that the job brings. They have forgotten their missions and mandates, abandoned their objectives and lost sight of their primary responsibility and reason, the people.

I heard a song by P!nk a few weeks back, 'Dear Mr. President', in which she directed a few questions to the then president of the United States, Pres. George W. Bush. I thought it was a good song and would recommend it as a good listen, if not for the vocals then for the chill out alternative-acoustic vibe!
The song saw me start drafting a letter to 'The President..' I attempted (poorly) to make it rhyme as she had done in the original song.. but I must admit it was with great difficulty and that my attempt is very poor! but here it is, my unfinished letter to the President:-

Mr President,

I wish you would take a walk with me,
down abandoned alleys and forgotten streets.
I have so much to show you, and even more for you to see.
We your people need you to learn and understand that we are beat.
Imagine you were me, or more so that you were him,
the ragged and broken little boy with no place to call home,
You promised to protect and better all men, and when you took office you swore an oath,
Why then are so many children frightened, dying and alone.

I hope its alright if I ask you some questions
There is so much on my mind,
Would you do unto your brother as you do now,
if the same was to be done unto you in kind?
Do you struggle to get to sleep at night?
Or have nightmares from guilt and shame?
Knowing that so many that you call your people
are homeless, hungry and consider you to blame?

What do you and the first lady talk about at Dinner?
what do you tell her about, while looking her tenderly in the eye?
Are you proud of how far you have come and all you have done?
Can you answer my questions without a lie?

....

Another week.. A different game plan

The start of another week. Where did the weekend go, where do the days go period? The beginning of a new week, though quite scary, should always be a welcome opportunity to become and do better. To right the wrongs of the week past and start on a different road, making progress toward some distant goal and setting in place measures to get to where you want and should be.. all this to be assessed come Friday!

When I was in secondary school, I remember going to one Christian Union event on a Friday evening. One of my peers and friends stood up in front of everyone present and spoke out saying, 'I am tired of coming here every Friday to seek and always ask for forgiveness from God for the same things,'. He proceeded to say more, but I cannot recall to accurate measure exactly what it was! That was a brave and bold move I thought, one that I would not have had the courage to do myself. His words stuck with me for a for long time, and evidently are still with me.

Albert Einstein said once: 'Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results'. We all do it really. I repeatedly try to jump a 20-foot chasms in two 10-foot jumps. Its impractical, it doesn't and will never work.. but for the last few weeks that has been the story of my life. I have tried to make progress by deploying the same tactics and using the same tricks. This week has to be different. I need it to be.

Have a good week if you read this in time!

Long Time..

It has been a long time since my last published post. The absense of my words is not for lack of creativity, ideas or opinions, rather I have been struggling with my time and I suppose its management. So much has been happening, and so much has needed doing.

In the last three weeks I have started addressing applications for further study, been reviewing lecture material, working on my final year research project, started dance classes with my girlfriend alongside other dance, looked for a Job.. etc. It has been busy and quite frankly I have often felt tired, overwhelmed and in some dark moments even beat by the shear volume of things that need to be done, and done well.

I have always subscribed to the belief that in each individual day we are gifted, we are accorded with the right amount of time to do all we must and can...that there is always more than enough time to do that which needs to be done. This belief is getting difficult to live and advertise.

Over the last couple of weeks I have found, as I trust many others do as well, that before one day has been given the chance to be put to rest and end, the next had already started.. often leaving me behind in a dust cloud of things 'to-do' barely keeping up pace. Life seems to have become a perpetual hamster wheel, that keeps me busy and sweating but is ultimately getting me nowhere, gaining me no ground and giving me no comfort, allowing me no rest.

I am listening.. hoping.. trying to wait for something to happen, for something to change. To be placed on a track where my progress can be measured, quantified, made worth something to someone.. I am waiting for my real life to begin.

I know it will come, and that my current circumstance is only seasonal and therefore temporary, but that doesnt make it any easier to face or take. I have decided to take the days gone the days to come (as they promise to bring the same) as training or preparation. For what you may ask..

I could be wrong (and correct me if I am), but I think it was Henry ford that said 'I continue to plan and prepare for an opportunity I know will come'..that is what I am training and preparing for, my opportunity.. whatever that may be!

I am getting there!

On Learning to Do Better

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.

I walk down a different street.

-- Portia Nelson

Finding my peace.

Dear Reader,

For the last 5 or so years, I have been trying to get some sort of structure and stability to my life. When I left Highschool in 2005, I foolishly believed that life would take shape and all the pieces would fall into place without too many difficulties and much effort on my part. I simply believed that dreaming big and working hard was enough to take me places and get me acheiving great things. This hope and belief was founded in the lack of knowledge that oft accommpanies youth and the unfortunate naivety in the state of how the world works.

My life seems to be shaping up very differently to how I expected and dreamt it would. The obstacles that I have encountered along the way could not have been predicted, they have determined the roads I have had to take and forced some of the decisions I have had to make and am currently making. My journey in life, much like most of yours, has been altered by variable events, situations and circumstances that I wish I had more control over.

I know and understand now that in life, much like a game of poker, we are all dealt different hands. I am learning to accept and love the hand I was dealt, as must we all.. knowing that only when this is acheived, can we play the game effectively and well.

A good friend of mine gave me this quote which I will share with you: 'I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but I almost always end up where I need to be' - Douglas Adams. She passed this on to me as a response to my post about the beginning of my final year of Uni. I subscribe wholeheartedly to what these words say and I feel it completes very well what I have been trying and perhaps failing to get across.

I hope you are well

Lloyd

Am I where I thought I would be?

Last week I was fortunate to be able to speak to a friend I had known in my younger years. 12 years on, it was encouraging to be able to chat, catch up and still have common ground on which to relate and engage. I have since had on my mind, thoughts of my past and my childhood, when I was little, a boy aged 10 or 12.

It seems like such a long time ago. I am fond of most of my memories and I find they are easy to think about. I am sure that for the greater proportion of us, life was simpler back then, or at least that's how its remembered. Worries were few, and cares didn't exist. We were fed and taken care of through no efforts of our own. Not many things troubled our minds and not many loads were laid on our hearts.

How things change. This having been said and fully appreciated I am confident in saying that easier lives don't make for better ones. Few would want to return to those days if given the opportunity but would rather choose to continue to battle it out in this time, working through the heartache and pain, difficulties and troubles in an effort to attain the 'perfect' goal. These trials and life lessons are what have made us who we are, what have made me who I am.

The final question I have is this: if little Lloyd of age 12 met me at this age would he be proud of who and what I have become? or would he change his path to face new trials, receive different lessons and become a better man?

The beginning of the end..

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have, And you take the first step into the darkness of the unknown, You must believe that one of two things will happen, There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly."

Patrick Overton's faith Poem which I feel offers artful encouragement is great and I absolutely love it.

This has been the first week of my final year of university. Like many other people, I am entering and starting this year with so many unknowns, multiple uncertainties, constant variables and insecurities about my present footing and being. I don't know where this road that I am on currently is leading me, but all past paths have led me here. I must believe that I am in the correct place right?

Have you ever woken up and wondered how you got to where you are, unsure about where you are going, how you will get there and what's waiting for you when you arrive? I am currently in this place, and am fast creeping up to my own personal darkness, my unknown, praying that if I let go and let God, Patrick Overton's words will become a true testament for me and my life.

Someone said once, 'where will I be 5 years from now? I delight in not knowing. Thats one of the greatest things about life - its wonderful little surprises' I believe that full submission to this philosophy is folly, but there is undeniable beauty in its principle of faith, that all will work out regardless of what may happen along the way! So I ask myself, where will be a year from now, and though I don't share the same delight in not knowing, I am learning to trust that God is in control, and it is from here I derive my peace and find my rest.

I hope a year from now, I can write and let you know that it all worked out. That I am where I am supposed to be, headed in the right direction, and that in my darkness, I grew wings and was taught to fly.

Hope - Rescue Me.

'I keep on losing,
the same old battles,
can’t get a grip of this thing we call life.
Drowning in weakness,
habits and choices,
they keep staring me down,

I know what I should do,
but I don’t,
and the things I do,
I know are wrong..'

I decided to begin this post using the start of one of my favourite songs, 'Rescue', by a band called Authentik. I absolutely love this song, its real and I believe it is forever true for us all, one way or another. I hope that you, the reader, won't hold anything against me for borrowing the words of others in an attempt to find my own.

These words describe where I am at, as an individual boy-man, as a believer in Christ and all His teachings, as a brother, friend and Son. I believe in God and love Him, but my actions and thoughts don't always support or work with the lifestyle this belief warrants. I adore my siblings, and am committed to my friends; however my behaviour and occasionally empty or unfulfilled promises do not reinforce this. I have gotten this far and achieved all I have through the steadfast love, support prayers and guidance of my parents yet I oft dishonour them, and don't give them the place in my life they deserve. I will keep trying though I am sure that I will get better!

This is probably not the best time, but I will respond to another comment I received, again via this forum. After my first 3 posts, I was talking to a very dear friend, who is following (unofficially) my attempts at blogging and relating my experiences and thoughts. I was sadly caught off guard when I was told or rather informed that my first three posts had been void of hope or enthusiasm for life, and that this may be a way some of those who read may interpret my words, having them almost supporting this state of hopelessness, or catalysing its manifestation in the lives and minds of the readers. This was and is never my intent, and whilst a part of me can see where the comment came from (ish), I must make it clear that that is not what I am selling if anything at all. If it got or gets to a stage where my words were stealing hope from those who care to read them, I would and will stop.

The truth of the matter is that life is not always going to work out as we want. We wont always get things right, or consistently get what we want, if at all. The will face mishaps and hiccups, speed humps and speed traps. All of which, make up the experience of life and characterise our own individual journeys'. There will be times when we are sad, and all seems lost... when bad things happen, and faith is far... or simply hard. In all things I urge you all to hope. To continue to hope for a better and brighter day knowing the night is indeed darkest before the dawn! (And yes I got that from batman!)

I have joined together two different things in this post! It doesn't read great, but I hope what I am trying to say is being communicated, even if poorly so!

Changing the world

'Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about things that matter' - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I read this quote a while back and it has recently started to take new meaning in my thoughts, and hopefully eventually my life. I wrote a few weeks ago, about how I was struggling and finding it difficult to write well and express myself both in a truthful and meaningful way. This hasn't changed, and I fear that self expression is something that I will never be good at or something that will never come easy to me - but I continue to try. Rumbi (see previous post comments) was very right in saying that it was about the journey and not so much to do with the end point. As such, all I can offer as I grow and develop as a writer, person and man, is to share my journey and how I will get to my unknown end. There is nothing particularly worthwhile about my story, nothing more so than yours, the reader. But I offer my truth when I can, my insight when enlightened, knowledge when it is attained, opinions when brave and my lessons when taught and learnt, however they may come.

On the 12th of August, I published a post, 'My moment of truth, and my sadness since', in which I described a moment in my life when I was physically attacked through no provocation from myself. I received several comments in my private inbox, for which I am grateful, but there is one response in particular that I feel must be responded to in this forum. I was asked how I knew, and how I could have possibly come to the conclusion that the attack was racially motivated (from Mark W).

Mark was very right, I have no evidence or empirical data, that that suggests or supports that the events of that cold wet night were racially motivated. There is no way I or anyone else can know what they were thinking when they did what they did or why. My conclusion is thus very speculative and I do not deny this. The fact that I would come to this conclusion, shows that there are some fundamental errors with the way in which the world as we know it currently works, and also shows that there is work still to be done in the individual, me and I suppose all of us who also assumed and or accepted the same conclusion as me. The fact that racial attacks, slur and abuse are still a truth shows the nature of this fallen broken world that we find ourselves in, and it is silly, I feel, to deny that. As these horrible facts are still truths, my semi-educated and reasoned assumption I believe is a fair one, based on my own experiences and observations. Though that doesn't necessarily make it true in the events of that night.

I was not and am not trying to spark hate, spawn anger or birth animosity. I was and still trying to make light of a bad and dark situation hoping that some way, somehow, a change somewhere can be made.

It is close to folly to be ignorant, as blissful as it may be. My hope is simple, that knowledge of what is wrong and broken will help us in making it right and getting fixed.

I hope that made sense!!

Hmmm...

When i started this experiment of blogging, i took for granted that this would be easy. I assumed that writing what i thought, sharing my opinions and beliefs would be a breeze and be something that would come to me without too much trouble or effort. I have previously kept a personal journal, and i assumed that this would help me get going. I was incorrect, and this has not at all been the case.

I am struggling to write, and to be original, with inspiration and ability lacking. The awareness that my words could potentially be read has meant that i am thinking more carefully about what i am sharing; probably out of not wanting to sell my self as 'silly', not wanting to rub anyone the wrong way unnecessarily but more importantly, its likely to be out of fear of receiving judgement and not wanting to be vulnerable. I am now forced to have to think about what my aims and objectives were for starting this and what i was trying to achieve as an end point, if i had a defined one at all. When i know and am certain i will make it clear.

Lloyd

My first love letter.

Have I been erased?
Am I a hopeless cause?
Do you still love me?
or have I broken too many laws.

What can I do to make it right?
What can I say to see you..
When is the next time we could talk
Anything, anytime.. I will do

I desire to be home in your arms
Where I feel safe from pain,
Where the weather is so very sweet
And I am safe from all the rain.

What can I do to make it all right
When will I see you..
Can I talk to you sometime,
Maybe even hug you.

I realise I have done wrong,
And there is no going back, ever,
There is only one way - forward
And I am hoping its together.

I am writing this song to make it right,
But only you can make it all better,
all I want is to be with you
Today and then forever.

Please forgive me again.

The mask

There is a poem which was recommended to me by a friend of mine and after having read it I thought it was worth sharing. Perhaps there are those that can relate. These are not my words, hope you enjoy:

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask! - Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

My moment of truth, and my sadness since..

I was carrying my groceries home on a relatively warm and wet Friday night. Everything was quiet and the streets were rather peaceful. There was a slight drizzle, but nothing that would affect too many peoples' plans. That said, not many people were out, and i remember walking down the street wondering where everyone was. I reached an underpass and was about to start down its slope so that i could cross over to the other side of a usually busy road.

As I was walking I saw two unfamiliar lads, no older than me, approach in the opposite direction, coming from the underpass. One was short and stocky, very clearly a committed regular at the gym; and the other was tall and gangly with a distinct absent look in his eyes. I don't know why, but they seemed shifty and uneasy, or perhaps this was just something i have added to the night in retrospect. As they got closer to me, I concluded that their vacant looks and staggered gaits were no doubt a result of the high levels of alcohol they had obviously consumed. A strong smell of spirits followed them like a thick, dark cloud, warning of a violent storm ahead and the inevitable trouble that would follow them throughout the course of the night.

They got closer, their pace slowed to a stop. The shorter and more bullish of the two asked me, 'Hey, do you know where the Lion's head is'. I had never seen or heard of this pub before, so I honestly told them, 'Sorry, I have no idea i'm afraid'. They didn't seem to move but instead stood there in awkward silence swaying gently from side to side. The bull asked me again, 'Hey mate, where is the Lion's head', and again I told him that I did not know, not wanting to point them in the wrong direction. I knew though, even as I spoke, that this was not the answer they were looking for, so instead I offered an alternative option. I pointed them in the direction of a 'bar rich' part of town. I suggested that someone there would be probably know better than me.

The lads stood still, and continued to look around them, their shifty eyes surveying their surroundings. I saw one of them look over my shoulder as though something was coming. At this I also turned my head to see what might be approaching. All of a sudden, before I knew what was happening, I'd taken an involuntary step back, my head was hurting, my ear was ringing, my jaw throbbed and the inside of my mouth was bloody. The bull had connected a very well planted right hook, in the moment I had turned. All at once, I was stunned and in shock; confused and scared as I became aware that I was outnumbered and they had successfully utilised the element of surprise.

I quickly regained my footing and stood my ground, my confusion spurring adrenaline release and my fear spawning anger. When I looked up to see where the blow had come from, I was admittedly relieved to see that they had begun to retreat. I was relieved because although I was full of raw emotion, I wasnt sure what I was going to do with it all; and I was fearful of what might happen next if I let my emotions dictate my following actions. Instead I stood and watched them trot away. I wanted to chase them, but I didn't.

As if to mock me, the heavens opened up and it started to rain, as I continued my walk home. I was in pain, angry, carrying a heavy bag and getting wet. I didn't cry, and I didn't think. All the feelings that had been so close to the surface had temporarily been washed away by the rain, and my mind was just numb. My mouth was still bleeding, and the left side of my face was aching. I kept walking.

I hated the world and the evil in it. Why me? What had I done to deserve such unprovoked abuse? Why had God let this happen to me? It didn't seem fair.

I reached home about 10 minutes later, and then started trying to think a bit more rationally about why this had happened. I tried to reason with myself, hoping to regain the calm state of mind, I had started my journey with.

I didn't want to believe, and still try not to believe, this was a racially motivated attack. But I am a black man in a world that is still very much broken and it would be foolish for me to totally disregard this possibility. Perhaps they were just violent drunks, angry with the world and needing an outlet or release, and I was just the wrong guy, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I don't know, it all really doesn't make much sense to me.

Why would someone do that, disrupt anothers existence with no possible chance of gain? Or why would one do that at all? What does it take for one to want to cause pain to another so unnecessarily? What sort of warped mental state do you have to be in to treat another human being so brutally? And what is the motivation for such a senseless and unrewarding act? The only emotion that I believe could drive such an act is hatred. Does hate justify action? How could they hate me when they don't know me? Is it the colour of my skin?

I have always tried to believe that human beings are inherently good. Acts such as that described above suggest otherwise. After all of this, there is one big question: If I were to see them now, what would I say.. or what would I do..?

This is me

I’m a saint, I’m a sinner but I try not to be, I’m trying to make my way in the world, and this is me.

Who am I? I am a boy who is forever bruised, but never broken.. continuously beaten to never be defeated! A soldier to some.. a shepherd to few... A son and brother.. A friend, team-mate.. and an enemy of none. I am a young man trying to find his way in the narrow labyrinth that is life, defined and laced with faith, responsibility, love and hope.

I am a boy walking a man’s journey.. speaking and behaving as if I were, knowing all the while I am not. I long to run away, though I must be strong.. I want to be safe, but I need to be brave.. Alternating between blinders and opaque glasses, motivated all too often by pride and greed, while forever guided by love. I am forever an open recipient of freedom yet always a prisoner of birth – its not easy being me!

‘Look in the mirror, ask yourself, ‘who are you?’, if you don’t know who you are how can your dreams come true’ – Curtis Jackson

I can't do this all on my own..

The song 'Superman', performed by Rufus Wainwright, commonly known for being the theme song to the hit TV-series Scrubs, is where I have sourced the inspiration to experiment with the idea of writing out my thoughts and feelings.. and not being afraid to metaphorically speak out loud to myself in public!

'But I can't do this all on my own, No I know I'm no Superman..' - These words encompass the heart and the core message of the song, and have unexpectedly taken on new meaning to me. 'No man is an island', my class was repeatedly told by one of my high school teachers, Revd. Thandi. No man is able to live alone without affecting those around him, and similarly without their help. We are all interconnected, and ultimately to some extent all need each other, in one respect or another.

I am on a journey, as I believe we all are.. I have no idea where to, not sure how far and am uncertain as to how I am to get to this elusive undefined destination..

I hope I don’t get lost along the way!