Some Truths..

'The search for truth implies a duty. One must not conceal any part of what one has recognized to be true.' - Albert Einstein

I was cycling from work one evening when I came to the defining part of my journey home that I always dread. I had reached the start of a stretch of about 100meters of steady incline and I needed to decide if I was going to get off and push the bike up the hill, or attempt to cycle for part, if not the whole way up and over. It was late, dark and cold so getting home sooner was favourable. I was alone with no one and no vehicles in sight, meaning that any 'shame and embarrassment' that would follow if I failed to make it the whole way up would be my own. I decided to give it a go and see if my unmanly thighs could get me over to the other side. There was certainly no harm in trying.

I started up the hill and at the start it didn't seem so hard, all was good. My earphones were plugged in, so as I made my way up I sang along taking it all quite lightly wondering why I had never cycled up the hill before. I got to the half way point where I could just about start making out the top point I was trying to reach and everything changed. It was as though I was cycling through thick syrup, that got thicker and harder the more I tried to push at it.
The road seemed longer and the end point farther away, my chest began to burn, my breaths became faster and more shallow and my thighs ached, oh how they ached. All that had seemed easy had turned on me, even the music which had been a source of comfort had become an irritant and hard to listen to.

As tired as I was, I figured that if I gave it a final burst and cycled quicker I would get to the top faster and nurse my pains on the way down. A spontaneous personal goal had formed. Having always pushed my bike up the hill in the previous months (don't judge me!) I thought it would be fitting to cycle up it once and in so doing fully appreciate cycling down!
My legs surprisingly listened and went quicker (though they didn't want to) and against even what I thought I was capable of at that time, I cycled to the top and my dear reader, let me tell you something, cycling down a hill has never been a sweeter thing!

When I was effortlessly coasting down the hill, I felt really good; there was relief and coolness where there had been pain and heat. There was a freedom where I had felt trapped and almost confined, there was a peace where there had only been misery and doubt! It was beautiful!

This made me think. Towards the end of the hill, I had felt absolutely finished and was doubting whether I could carry on or not, indeed I was ready to walk the rest of the way. Had I given in, I would not have lived the joy and relief to the extent that I did, or experienced the freedom linked with getting home 15 minutes earlier.
Many a time I have given in and done, said and thought things that I really shouldn't have or had no business with, as a result of weaknesses in heart, will and character, all because it was the easier option. In these times I would say, I have gotten off the proverbial bicycle and walked up these proverbial hills, only to enjoy a false and incomplete experience of cycling down, often a counterfeit and corrupted experience if I am and can be truthful. In these situations I have been settling for an easier lie, instead of allowing the expression of a relatively more consequential and liberating truth.

My difficulties are in diligently seeking the Truth, subsequently accepting it as such, where possible sharing it and ultimately living it. Unfortunately lies in all shapes and forms are easier to find and apply and are seemingly more frequently encountered. For example, whilst I now know that I can cycle up that hill, I have largely continued to walk up it! What a shame.

What other truths am I ignoring, and what lies am I substituting them for? I want to know the Truth, how and why would I not?

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Jesus Christ (John 8:31-32)




http://www.seriousaboutcycling.com/how-to-improve-your-bike-hill-climbing-technique/

The ugly state of my heart.. the beauty of grace.

'Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks' - Luke 6:45

All too often I find myself saying, doing or involved in something that I usually regret in hindsight, if not instantaneously. Even more distressing than that, my feelings of regret I have learnt, are not usually an effective deterrent in stopping me from making the same mistakes again.. and again.. and again. I find that I keep doing the same things repeatedly either expecting different results, or not altogether aware of the consequences even though more often than not they are the same as they have always been, and always will be. More disturbing still, I am frequently unaware of the wrong I do entirely, and it's only when someone points it out that I become sadly appreciative.

My life, all of it, is a reflection and an echo of my heart. How can I say that my heart is good and just when my life i.e everyday living, is altogether bad? My heart and what I find in its depths, is the absolute sum of who I am, what else could be?
How can I believe I am a good person deep down in my heart when, if I am brutally honest with myself (and this is hard), my actions and behaviour demonstrate otherwise, that I cheat, lust, am prideful, tell lies, am greedy, selfish or gossip for example, and this is naming a few. These actions of my living are entirely congruent with the true state of my heart.

'Above all else guard your heart, its the wellspring of your life' - Proverbs 4.23

I need and want for my heart to change, but truthfully and logically I cannot do this on my own; if the integrity of my inner moral compass i.e my heart has been compromised, it doesn't and won't point toward it's true north (as it ought to be). How then can I justify its use in finding my way to anywhere worthwhile? I will not get there through my own personal efforts, how can I? Whilst this is so difficult to appreciate (and I am struggling with this), not to mention tricky to understand, this I am learning is where the beauty of grace begins, yet its so far from the full glorious picture. What I know so far is this: I am fully and unconditionally accepted despite what I am, and am helped everyday to become better; such that I am no longer what I used to be, fully apart from the reality of the mess that I could be, and though always pressing forward, I am not yet what I'm going to be.


image from: http://thefifthgospel.blogspot.com/2010/07/three-visions.html

The potential danger of 'what if..'

Over the years I have started many projects, begun many books, fostered relationships, for many of which, my resolve and commitment has slowly faded. Whilst some of the reasons may have been justified, such as ceasing to read a book that would not add any value to my time or life, or not pursuing relationships that proved largely unedifying, if not altogether detrimental in some way; this character flaw has left many trails to nowhere for many of the suffering endeavours. I am left whispering and wondering in some cases. 'what if..', particularly when something I have given up or failed to action is seen to work out for someone else; a potentially faulty way of thinking I know I am not alone in often being bothered by.

In 'The Screwtape Letters', an outstandingly creative book by CS Lewis, a senior devil, Screwtape, is writing letters to his nephew Wormwood, a junior temptor on earth, working on one of us: 'the patient'. The letters themseleves, as they are presented by Mr Lewis, track Wormwood's efforts to tempt and lead astray the 'patient', who early on in the story becomes a Christian, that is a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. This naturally doesnt please Screwtape. The goal of the temptor is to secure damnation, which is acheived by turning the 'patient' away from God, and this is what Screwtape is trying to facilitate in his correpondence with his nephew. I wont give away the ending but its certainly worth a read, enjoying from it both humor and some thought provoking realities.
I mention this because as I was reading it, scarily the life of the patient in many ways intersected with my own and this, I think justified, some reflection of the sort of 'human animal' I am.

One of the snippets of Screwtape of writing to Wormwood goes as follows: 'We have trained them (talking of humans) to think that the future as a whole is a promised land, which only favoured heroes attain; not something which everyone reaches at a fixed rate of sixty minutes per hour, whatever they do, whoever they are'.

This is what I believe is a potential danger of living a state of 'What if', its a foothold, allowing emotions like, and agents of doubt and despair to germinate within our being causing a slow destruction from the inside out. The future is not for heroes, it is for us right now. By indulging and keeping on meditating on what could have been, we forget and abandon what is actually going on, or more importantly what should be going on now.

My saying this does not mean, and I certainly do not intend to suggest the preclusion of looking at and dissecting a situation objectively after it has not worked out as intended. I personally believe this to be necessary for growth in understanding and if I may dare say, wisdom. However letting your mind dwell on what could have been 'if only things had been different' (being particularly destructive in comparisons with other persons) lends itself to regressive thinking, low self esteem, and for me personally has been a point where my faith in a loving God has been undermined time and time again. It's rot that I know I must rid myself of.

In addition to ridding myself of this with help from my Creator, who knows how I am meant to be, I must endeavour and submit to understand why I fail to see things through sometimes. So that if it is unjustified more often than it is, which I fear may be the case, reformation may begin. For how else am I to appreciate my need for a doctor unless I understand that I am truly sick?

...and there was Light..

Dear Reader,

Martin Luther King Jr is quoted as having said, 'Darkness is only driven out with light, not more darkness.'

When I remember that my thoughts, opinions and parts of myself are out for as many people as who care to read them, I sometimes get a little anxious. I feel scared that I will say too much and appear a fool, or not say enough, rendering the writing and blogging experience, in addition to each individual post, moot. The whole exercise would be pointless if the latter were to be the case, and be counter-productive if not deleterious if the former proved to be true.

When I started writing, I am not sure now what the motivation was in its entirety, I do know that I wanted to connect with people, old and new; I wanted to debate; I wanted to share with those who perhaps feel or think as I do, but more importantly I think I wanted to share my hope and receive it too. I still want these things. This is not and was never a life story.

This is a dark world, one of sadness and pain; filled with greed and envy; characterised by riches and power; imbued with lust and sex; defined by violence and hate; all too familiar with adultery and despair. Evil flourishes, wrong deeds are rewarded, and good men are at best collateral damage and at worst they stay silent. Live long enough in the dark and you begin to identify with it, I dread to tell you that I identify.

Darkness only exists if light does too, there is Light and herein lies the hope. Light that exposes the darkness and hope for a better day.

I am learning that as individuals, 'We are not bound to win, whatever that means, but we should be bound to be true. We are not bound to succeed, but in all things we should be bound to the light that we have.'* And if we don't have any, it is our responsibility and to our eternal advantage that we seek it out, for it is better to be guided by the Light shed by one small candle than to attempt to navigate in its absence, and then curse the darkness for where you end up.

With no delusions of grandeur, I hope that my words echo the truth, that they will be a source of hope and that where it is sought and or needed, they will be a reminder of Light.

With Love
Lloyd


*Adapted from the words of Abe Lincoln
(Image courtesy of Hannah Wrong http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahwrong/4638491142/)

Which way?

'..In life, it is all about choices we make.
And how the direction of our lives comes down to the choices we choose.' - Catherine Pulsifer

As I consider my options or lack thereof, with respect to what to do with myself in this life, I find I feel heavy and at times almost lost. I struggle to differentiate between what I want, what is convenient and what is best for me to do, which is made even more grey by my lack of understanding and limited knowledge as to what I am meant to do, meaning what God would have me do or do through me.

When I was growing up I used to dream of being a doctor and being a surgeon. I had a life plan that I had every intention of following rigorously; I would be qualified at the age of 23, and married at the age of 24. My wife and I would struggle financially, but we would make it work. My first child would be on its way by the age of 27, and hopefully twin daughters on their way by the time I was 30. We would still struggle financially, but it would work for good; it would teach my children humility before we finally got comfortable a little later in life. It would be a simple but good life. It had been effortless to dream it.

Now, at the age of 23, I am nowhere near anything I had dreamed before, in fact I am quite far away. I am not disheartened. Perhaps I am frustrated, for sure I am intrigued, wondering how it will all play out and where I will end up. I often wish that I had been born with a guide, a map almost, that would determine for me what steps to take, when and how; a list of instructions that would see me through uncertain times and provide answers; at the very least, a collection of guidelines to point me in the right direction and see me through to a pre-determined goal or life purpose.

As I am, parts of my dream still remain, but many aspects have changed and more still are uncertain. Options in respect to how to proceed with my life are available that will take me down different roads, which seemingly will lead me away from my sought after path. All roads have led me here and I am at a crossroads, as we all are daily in our lives in one respect or another. The problem is making a choice, firmly and with conviction deciding which way to turn and which road to travel down, not made easy by uncertainty of the final destination, or indeed from not knowing at all where one is trying to go.

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll

(Image courtesy of Hannah Wrong: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hannahwrong/4020620792/)

Founded on the rock?

I am sitting in a relatively busy computer room as I write this, I don't really have to be here, but I am. I am comfortable here. For once in a very long time I have no immediate work that requires being done, or pressing deadlines that need to be met. I don't have to be working, nor do I need to be, but I want to be! I thought I would love being free of Uni, and being finished with it all, but there is a safety found in being part of a system and process that freedom from it doesn't replace or match up to.

Archimedes is quoted as having said: 'Give me a firm place to stand and I will move the earth'. As the man was a physicist, engineer and mathematician in the days before Christ, I feel it is valid to question whether or not he meant a literal translation. I don't know, but I doubt it and certainly hope not! In my mind I assume it was probably some clever pun where 'earth' could have also meant 'dirt' or 'soil' in addition to the immediate and common meaning of being 'the planet we live on'. Perhaps I pay undue credit, on the other hand, maybe I do not pay enough. Disregarding the physics and maths of it all; as a metaphor, this is a statement I hold in high regard.

In my heart I want to move the earth as I am sure most of us want to, but I have no idea how, when or what that will look like and right now I'm afraid all I do is sleep.


(Image by Scott Horrigan: http://www.boston.com/community/photos/raw/2008/08/how_i_got_the_picturescott_hor.html)

'Soshari'

I was privileged enough to to able to go a boarding secondary/high school where liberties were given with regards to afternoon extracurricular activities. In terms of these activities, a weekly quota needed to be met in addition to few fixed commitments depending on the time of the year. However, given that this was achieved, the remaining time available could be spent as the individual(s) wanted, within reason. In my particular year group, from the shared spare time between different individuals in the different boarding houses, 'Soshari' emerged, and in fact I think its safe to say that it became somewhat of a culture for us.

Let me take a step back and try to explain what 'Soshari' actually was. Put simply, it was a varied group of young men playing football/soccer together almost daily, rain or shine, having a common interest and finding shared safety in that. It was a way of escaping the boarding houses, not only because it wasn't fun hanging around there, but also because the alternative of playing football with friends was a far more appealing one. The number of people who attended always varied, and there existed an assorted skill set within the group as I suppose would be expected. I was not one of the regulars, I did attend occasionally though and always enjoyed bonding with my peers when I did. However, I remember often finding it difficult to play with my friends, as accepting as they were. A lot of them were really gifted, they could weave the ball between their legs at a stand still and many of them while in motion too; I was and still am simple, incapable of such fluidity! They made the game artistic and beautiful almost dancing as they played; I was and still am awkward, always fighting to keep in control of my extremities. They were fit and strong, I was weak. They knew the game, I was learning. They were committed, I was always only passing through. Having said that, when you played you belonged, regardless of ability and despite sometimes being in the bottom pick when it came to team drafting! Because I belonged, when I could overcome my personal pride, I went and played and often enjoyed it.

I have never been a good footballer or soccer-player, and I think at the age of 23 its high time I accept that I never will be! Hopefully I will get better so that if I ever have to play with my own children, I won't embarrass them!!

I thought about soshari for the first time in a while yesterday, when for the first time in years I played social football/soccer, this time with some men from church. I only knew two of the 22 that were present and I can happily say that I never felt unwelcome. It did however leave me feeling nostalgic, hence the tone of the post.

I am reminiscing, so there are no personal learnings in here for me to share, as I have done in the past. The two things I would say are this: Pride that hinders, as a result of one not being the best (which by many definitions is what pride is) should be at least challenged, and at best eliminated. The second is that we need to understand and sometimes painfully accept our limitations; its good to dream and to dream big, I am an advocate of this, submitting all such dreams to God, but I think it would be a waste in my case for example, if I was holding out for a career in football! Men are not born with equal gifts, passions, abilities or identical callings. Some sing, some teach and some dance etc of which even in these there are stark and fundamental differences such as style, subject, genre etc. I suppose the idea is to do what God calls you to do. Figuring this out, or hearing the call isn't always simple. Indeed I am still waiting. In addition, in the event that I had been dreaming about being a footballer, while I was waiting to hear otherwise this knowledge doesn't make me not being good at football/soccer any easier to accept, but it gives reason to keep on searching, and earnestly too. I am on a tangent and touching on a subject that I intend to share on soon. Please be aware that that many dreams that seem impossible aren't necessary against calling, for truly if God wanted me to be a footballer, and I was listening to Him, I would become a footballer.

Will I play again? I hope so! I am not after all trying to change or make my life with it, I am just hoping to have a good time and hopefully learn a thing or two.

I hope one day also to play Soshari with my friends again as men, hoping that as before and experienced yesterday there will be no bias and no inequality. Just old friends remembering what brought them together initially, enjoying every moment of it and appreciating what keeps them together still.