'I keep on losing,
the same old battles,
can’t get a grip of this thing we call life.
Drowning in weakness,
habits and choices,
they keep staring me down,
I know what I should do,
but I don’t,
and the things I do,
I know are wrong..'
I decided to begin this post using the start of one of my favourite songs, 'Rescue', by a band called Authentik. I absolutely love this song, its real and I believe it is forever true for us all, one way or another. I hope that you, the reader, won't hold anything against me for borrowing the words of others in an attempt to find my own.
These words describe where I am at, as an individual boy-man, as a believer in Christ and all His teachings, as a brother, friend and Son. I believe in God and love Him, but my actions and thoughts don't always support or work with the lifestyle this belief warrants. I adore my siblings, and am committed to my friends; however my behaviour and occasionally empty or unfulfilled promises do not reinforce this. I have gotten this far and achieved all I have through the steadfast love, support prayers and guidance of my parents yet I oft dishonour them, and don't give them the place in my life they deserve. I will keep trying though I am sure that I will get better!
This is probably not the best time, but I will respond to another comment I received, again via this forum. After my first 3 posts, I was talking to a very dear friend, who is following (unofficially) my attempts at blogging and relating my experiences and thoughts. I was sadly caught off guard when I was told or rather informed that my first three posts had been void of hope or enthusiasm for life, and that this may be a way some of those who read may interpret my words, having them almost supporting this state of hopelessness, or catalysing its manifestation in the lives and minds of the readers. This was and is never my intent, and whilst a part of me can see where the comment came from (ish), I must make it clear that that is not what I am selling if anything at all. If it got or gets to a stage where my words were stealing hope from those who care to read them, I would and will stop.
The truth of the matter is that life is not always going to work out as we want. We wont always get things right, or consistently get what we want, if at all. The will face mishaps and hiccups, speed humps and speed traps. All of which, make up the experience of life and characterise our own individual journeys'. There will be times when we are sad, and all seems lost... when bad things happen, and faith is far... or simply hard. In all things I urge you all to hope. To continue to hope for a better and brighter day knowing the night is indeed darkest before the dawn! (And yes I got that from batman!)
I have joined together two different things in this post! It doesn't read great, but I hope what I am trying to say is being communicated, even if poorly so!
Monday, 21 September 2009
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Changing the world
'Our lives begin to end the day we are silent about things that matter' - Martin Luther King, Jr.
I read this quote a while back and it has recently started to take new meaning in my thoughts, and hopefully eventually my life. I wrote a few weeks ago, about how I was struggling and finding it difficult to write well and express myself both in a truthful and meaningful way. This hasn't changed, and I fear that self expression is something that I will never be good at or something that will never come easy to me - but I continue to try. Rumbi (see previous post comments) was very right in saying that it was about the journey and not so much to do with the end point. As such, all I can offer as I grow and develop as a writer, person and man, is to share my journey and how I will get to my unknown end. There is nothing particularly worthwhile about my story, nothing more so than yours, the reader. But I offer my truth when I can, my insight when enlightened, knowledge when it is attained, opinions when brave and my lessons when taught and learnt, however they may come.
On the 12th of August, I published a post, 'My moment of truth, and my sadness since', in which I described a moment in my life when I was physically attacked through no provocation from myself. I received several comments in my private inbox, for which I am grateful, but there is one response in particular that I feel must be responded to in this forum. I was asked how I knew, and how I could have possibly come to the conclusion that the attack was racially motivated (from Mark W).
Mark was very right, I have no evidence or empirical data, that that suggests or supports that the events of that cold wet night were racially motivated. There is no way I or anyone else can know what they were thinking when they did what they did or why. My conclusion is thus very speculative and I do not deny this. The fact that I would come to this conclusion, shows that there are some fundamental errors with the way in which the world as we know it currently works, and also shows that there is work still to be done in the individual, me and I suppose all of us who also assumed and or accepted the same conclusion as me. The fact that racial attacks, slur and abuse are still a truth shows the nature of this fallen broken world that we find ourselves in, and it is silly, I feel, to deny that. As these horrible facts are still truths, my semi-educated and reasoned assumption I believe is a fair one, based on my own experiences and observations. Though that doesn't necessarily make it true in the events of that night.
I was not and am not trying to spark hate, spawn anger or birth animosity. I was and still trying to make light of a bad and dark situation hoping that some way, somehow, a change somewhere can be made.
It is close to folly to be ignorant, as blissful as it may be. My hope is simple, that knowledge of what is wrong and broken will help us in making it right and getting fixed.
I hope that made sense!!
I read this quote a while back and it has recently started to take new meaning in my thoughts, and hopefully eventually my life. I wrote a few weeks ago, about how I was struggling and finding it difficult to write well and express myself both in a truthful and meaningful way. This hasn't changed, and I fear that self expression is something that I will never be good at or something that will never come easy to me - but I continue to try. Rumbi (see previous post comments) was very right in saying that it was about the journey and not so much to do with the end point. As such, all I can offer as I grow and develop as a writer, person and man, is to share my journey and how I will get to my unknown end. There is nothing particularly worthwhile about my story, nothing more so than yours, the reader. But I offer my truth when I can, my insight when enlightened, knowledge when it is attained, opinions when brave and my lessons when taught and learnt, however they may come.
On the 12th of August, I published a post, 'My moment of truth, and my sadness since', in which I described a moment in my life when I was physically attacked through no provocation from myself. I received several comments in my private inbox, for which I am grateful, but there is one response in particular that I feel must be responded to in this forum. I was asked how I knew, and how I could have possibly come to the conclusion that the attack was racially motivated (from Mark W).
Mark was very right, I have no evidence or empirical data, that that suggests or supports that the events of that cold wet night were racially motivated. There is no way I or anyone else can know what they were thinking when they did what they did or why. My conclusion is thus very speculative and I do not deny this. The fact that I would come to this conclusion, shows that there are some fundamental errors with the way in which the world as we know it currently works, and also shows that there is work still to be done in the individual, me and I suppose all of us who also assumed and or accepted the same conclusion as me. The fact that racial attacks, slur and abuse are still a truth shows the nature of this fallen broken world that we find ourselves in, and it is silly, I feel, to deny that. As these horrible facts are still truths, my semi-educated and reasoned assumption I believe is a fair one, based on my own experiences and observations. Though that doesn't necessarily make it true in the events of that night.
I was not and am not trying to spark hate, spawn anger or birth animosity. I was and still trying to make light of a bad and dark situation hoping that some way, somehow, a change somewhere can be made.
It is close to folly to be ignorant, as blissful as it may be. My hope is simple, that knowledge of what is wrong and broken will help us in making it right and getting fixed.
I hope that made sense!!
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Hmmm...
When i started this experiment of blogging, i took for granted that this would be easy. I assumed that writing what i thought, sharing my opinions and beliefs would be a breeze and be something that would come to me without too much trouble or effort. I have previously kept a personal journal, and i assumed that this would help me get going. I was incorrect, and this has not at all been the case.
I am struggling to write, and to be original, with inspiration and ability lacking. The awareness that my words could potentially be read has meant that i am thinking more carefully about what i am sharing; probably out of not wanting to sell my self as 'silly', not wanting to rub anyone the wrong way unnecessarily but more importantly, its likely to be out of fear of receiving judgement and not wanting to be vulnerable. I am now forced to have to think about what my aims and objectives were for starting this and what i was trying to achieve as an end point, if i had a defined one at all. When i know and am certain i will make it clear.
Lloyd
I am struggling to write, and to be original, with inspiration and ability lacking. The awareness that my words could potentially be read has meant that i am thinking more carefully about what i am sharing; probably out of not wanting to sell my self as 'silly', not wanting to rub anyone the wrong way unnecessarily but more importantly, its likely to be out of fear of receiving judgement and not wanting to be vulnerable. I am now forced to have to think about what my aims and objectives were for starting this and what i was trying to achieve as an end point, if i had a defined one at all. When i know and am certain i will make it clear.
Lloyd
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