My Realisation

'Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen'

I was listening to this prayer earlier this week, when I came to the sobering realisation that I am a long way off.. My mind and heart are not right.. There is work to be done, a lot still to be learnt..

My Story - Introduction

Lance Armstrong said: 'pain is only temporary but quitting lasts forever'. The man was onto something! Whilst this has not at all been a principle of my being, its safe to say that it is a statement I agree with, when used in the right context and within the right situations. But I suppose this is true to many such statements and quotes.

In 1999 Lance Armstrong tested positive for well advanced testicular cancer that had spread throughout his body including his lungs. His ‘world’ was literally turned upside down, with no realistic hope of things coming ‘right’. Death was knocking and seemed inevitable. The team he was racing for cancelled his contract, stopped paying him and world stopped believing. No-one thought he would or could recover.

Making a long complicated story, short and digestible, he miraculously survived risky treatments and recovered, found a new team and after two years of extensive training went on to become a record breaker, record holder, and an all time athletic champion. 'Without cancer, I never would have won a single Tour de France. Cancer taught me a plan for more purposeful living, and that in turn taught me how to train and to win more purposefully, It taught me that pain has a reason, and that sometimes the experience of losing things–whether health or a car or an old sense of self–has its own value in the scheme of life. Pain and loss are great enhancers', were his words.
His story is truly remarkable, and though I question his use of the word ‘purposeful’, which I appreciate is individually subjective, it is very inspiring. My story is not of the same depth, is not as exciting and I don’t think it hardly inspiring. In fact to use Lance Armstrong’s story as a backdrop for my own is quite audacious, as to my knowledge I have not nearly experienced death and had my ‘world’ turned upside down.

What links my story, Mr Armstrong's story, and the story of many other people together is the challenges we face in this adventure we call life. ‘Life is an adventure my friends. One moment you are basked with sunlight, shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when the storm hits.’ – I am unsure who said this, but I like it. For some, the storm is working 2 or 3 jobs to pay the bills and still not making it; it’s working hard and late to support your family at the cost of not seeing them; it’s the death of a loved one; its falling in love with your friend and not being able to tell him/her; it’s losing your dreams, health or hope; it’s being faced with temptation and battling your way out of giving in; its being trapped in a life and habit of sin – wanting but unable to find a way out; it’s pride; it’s lust; it’s questioning your faith and value. These are all very different and all very real, each having distinct effect(s) and consequences, by no means defining us, but affecting the people or the sort of person we will become.

This is an introduction… more will follow.

This is only the beginning and is to be continued..

Where have I been?

I have been trying to be creative and purposefully 'deep' which is where I am going wrong. Creativity often requires talent of some sort of according inspiration. Where this lacks, the results and indeed even any attempts will be disappointing, pointless and will fall short in some form or other. It is for this reason, in addition to many others, such as poor time management, exams, work, that you have not read my thoughts/words for so long. This is not how I intended it to be. I know now that I need simply be real and honest, and hope that my reality is sufficient enough to arouse and maintain interest for the 5 or so minutes that you find yourself reading these words.

I have 2 months left of University and still no idea what best to do with my life. I am still living on borrowed time in a foreign land. I am torn, stuck and trapped between making my life decisions based on dreams, desires and ambition, considering my governing by circumstances. I am unsure what my next move should be. If life could be likened to a game of chess, then I am undoubtedly in 'check'. A position I unfortunately am sure I am not alone in being familiar with.

In these uncertain and dark times, I get some peace from knowing that God has already given me victory, should I choose and accept it. This peace is often marred however by questioning and guilt: Why do I not live like I am victorious? or worthy of it? Why can I not always see it? When will my victory come?

Keeping it together with all these things in my head isn't easy. I find myself in a place where I am searching and aching for the same things that people are looking to me for; answers, solutions, hope.

I am trying to be strong. I have to be strong.