Over the years I have started many projects, begun many books, fostered relationships, for many of which, my resolve and commitment has slowly faded. Whilst some of the reasons may have been justified, such as ceasing to read a book that would not add any value to my time or life, or not pursuing relationships that proved largely unedifying, if not altogether detrimental in some way; this character flaw has left many trails to nowhere for many of the suffering endeavours. I am left whispering and wondering in some cases. 'what if..', particularly when something I have given up or failed to action is seen to work out for someone else; a potentially faulty way of thinking I know I am not alone in often being bothered by.
In 'The Screwtape Letters', an outstandingly creative book by CS Lewis, a senior devil, Screwtape, is writing letters to his nephew Wormwood, a junior temptor on earth, working on one of us: 'the patient'. The letters themseleves, as they are presented by Mr Lewis, track Wormwood's efforts to tempt and lead astray the 'patient', who early on in the story becomes a Christian, that is a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. This naturally doesnt please Screwtape. The goal of the temptor is to secure damnation, which is acheived by turning the 'patient' away from God, and this is what Screwtape is trying to facilitate in his correpondence with his nephew. I wont give away the ending but its certainly worth a read, enjoying from it both humor and some thought provoking realities.
I mention this because as I was reading it, scarily the life of the patient in many ways intersected with my own and this, I think justified, some reflection of the sort of 'human animal' I am.
One of the snippets of Screwtape of writing to Wormwood goes as follows: 'We have trained them (talking of humans) to think that the future as a whole is a promised land, which only favoured heroes attain; not something which everyone reaches at a fixed rate of sixty minutes per hour, whatever they do, whoever they are'.
This is what I believe is a potential danger of living a state of 'What if', its a foothold, allowing emotions like, and agents of doubt and despair to germinate within our being causing a slow destruction from the inside out. The future is not for heroes, it is for us right now. By indulging and keeping on meditating on what could have been, we forget and abandon what is actually going on, or more importantly what should be going on now.
My saying this does not mean, and I certainly do not intend to suggest the preclusion of looking at and dissecting a situation objectively after it has not worked out as intended. I personally believe this to be necessary for growth in understanding and if I may dare say, wisdom. However letting your mind dwell on what could have been 'if only things had been different' (being particularly destructive in comparisons with other persons) lends itself to regressive thinking, low self esteem, and for me personally has been a point where my faith in a loving God has been undermined time and time again. It's rot that I know I must rid myself of.
In addition to ridding myself of this with help from my Creator, who knows how I am meant to be, I must endeavour and submit to understand why I fail to see things through sometimes. So that if it is unjustified more often than it is, which I fear may be the case, reformation may begin. For how else am I to appreciate my need for a doctor unless I understand that I am truly sick?
