Some Truths..

'The search for truth implies a duty. One must not conceal any part of what one has recognized to be true.' - Albert Einstein

I was cycling from work one evening when I came to the defining part of my journey home that I always dread. I had reached the start of a stretch of about 100meters of steady incline and I needed to decide if I was going to get off and push the bike up the hill, or attempt to cycle for part, if not the whole way up and over. It was late, dark and cold so getting home sooner was favourable. I was alone with no one and no vehicles in sight, meaning that any 'shame and embarrassment' that would follow if I failed to make it the whole way up would be my own. I decided to give it a go and see if my unmanly thighs could get me over to the other side. There was certainly no harm in trying.

I started up the hill and at the start it didn't seem so hard, all was good. My earphones were plugged in, so as I made my way up I sang along taking it all quite lightly wondering why I had never cycled up the hill before. I got to the half way point where I could just about start making out the top point I was trying to reach and everything changed. It was as though I was cycling through thick syrup, that got thicker and harder the more I tried to push at it.
The road seemed longer and the end point farther away, my chest began to burn, my breaths became faster and more shallow and my thighs ached, oh how they ached. All that had seemed easy had turned on me, even the music which had been a source of comfort had become an irritant and hard to listen to.

As tired as I was, I figured that if I gave it a final burst and cycled quicker I would get to the top faster and nurse my pains on the way down. A spontaneous personal goal had formed. Having always pushed my bike up the hill in the previous months (don't judge me!) I thought it would be fitting to cycle up it once and in so doing fully appreciate cycling down!
My legs surprisingly listened and went quicker (though they didn't want to) and against even what I thought I was capable of at that time, I cycled to the top and my dear reader, let me tell you something, cycling down a hill has never been a sweeter thing!

When I was effortlessly coasting down the hill, I felt really good; there was relief and coolness where there had been pain and heat. There was a freedom where I had felt trapped and almost confined, there was a peace where there had only been misery and doubt! It was beautiful!

This made me think. Towards the end of the hill, I had felt absolutely finished and was doubting whether I could carry on or not, indeed I was ready to walk the rest of the way. Had I given in, I would not have lived the joy and relief to the extent that I did, or experienced the freedom linked with getting home 15 minutes earlier.
Many a time I have given in and done, said and thought things that I really shouldn't have or had no business with, as a result of weaknesses in heart, will and character, all because it was the easier option. In these times I would say, I have gotten off the proverbial bicycle and walked up these proverbial hills, only to enjoy a false and incomplete experience of cycling down, often a counterfeit and corrupted experience if I am and can be truthful. In these situations I have been settling for an easier lie, instead of allowing the expression of a relatively more consequential and liberating truth.

My difficulties are in diligently seeking the Truth, subsequently accepting it as such, where possible sharing it and ultimately living it. Unfortunately lies in all shapes and forms are easier to find and apply and are seemingly more frequently encountered. For example, whilst I now know that I can cycle up that hill, I have largely continued to walk up it! What a shame.

What other truths am I ignoring, and what lies am I substituting them for? I want to know the Truth, how and why would I not?

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Jesus Christ (John 8:31-32)




http://www.seriousaboutcycling.com/how-to-improve-your-bike-hill-climbing-technique/

The ugly state of my heart.. the beauty of grace.

'Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks' - Luke 6:45

All too often I find myself saying, doing or involved in something that I usually regret in hindsight, if not instantaneously. Even more distressing than that, my feelings of regret I have learnt, are not usually an effective deterrent in stopping me from making the same mistakes again.. and again.. and again. I find that I keep doing the same things repeatedly either expecting different results, or not altogether aware of the consequences even though more often than not they are the same as they have always been, and always will be. More disturbing still, I am frequently unaware of the wrong I do entirely, and it's only when someone points it out that I become sadly appreciative.

My life, all of it, is a reflection and an echo of my heart. How can I say that my heart is good and just when my life i.e everyday living, is altogether bad? My heart and what I find in its depths, is the absolute sum of who I am, what else could be?
How can I believe I am a good person deep down in my heart when, if I am brutally honest with myself (and this is hard), my actions and behaviour demonstrate otherwise, that I cheat, lust, am prideful, tell lies, am greedy, selfish or gossip for example, and this is naming a few. These actions of my living are entirely congruent with the true state of my heart.

'Above all else guard your heart, its the wellspring of your life' - Proverbs 4.23

I need and want for my heart to change, but truthfully and logically I cannot do this on my own; if the integrity of my inner moral compass i.e my heart has been compromised, it doesn't and won't point toward it's true north (as it ought to be). How then can I justify its use in finding my way to anywhere worthwhile? I will not get there through my own personal efforts, how can I? Whilst this is so difficult to appreciate (and I am struggling with this), not to mention tricky to understand, this I am learning is where the beauty of grace begins, yet its so far from the full glorious picture. What I know so far is this: I am fully and unconditionally accepted despite what I am, and am helped everyday to become better; such that I am no longer what I used to be, fully apart from the reality of the mess that I could be, and though always pressing forward, I am not yet what I'm going to be.


image from: http://thefifthgospel.blogspot.com/2010/07/three-visions.html

The potential danger of 'what if..'

Over the years I have started many projects, begun many books, fostered relationships, for many of which, my resolve and commitment has slowly faded. Whilst some of the reasons may have been justified, such as ceasing to read a book that would not add any value to my time or life, or not pursuing relationships that proved largely unedifying, if not altogether detrimental in some way; this character flaw has left many trails to nowhere for many of the suffering endeavours. I am left whispering and wondering in some cases. 'what if..', particularly when something I have given up or failed to action is seen to work out for someone else; a potentially faulty way of thinking I know I am not alone in often being bothered by.

In 'The Screwtape Letters', an outstandingly creative book by CS Lewis, a senior devil, Screwtape, is writing letters to his nephew Wormwood, a junior temptor on earth, working on one of us: 'the patient'. The letters themseleves, as they are presented by Mr Lewis, track Wormwood's efforts to tempt and lead astray the 'patient', who early on in the story becomes a Christian, that is a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. This naturally doesnt please Screwtape. The goal of the temptor is to secure damnation, which is acheived by turning the 'patient' away from God, and this is what Screwtape is trying to facilitate in his correpondence with his nephew. I wont give away the ending but its certainly worth a read, enjoying from it both humor and some thought provoking realities.
I mention this because as I was reading it, scarily the life of the patient in many ways intersected with my own and this, I think justified, some reflection of the sort of 'human animal' I am.

One of the snippets of Screwtape of writing to Wormwood goes as follows: 'We have trained them (talking of humans) to think that the future as a whole is a promised land, which only favoured heroes attain; not something which everyone reaches at a fixed rate of sixty minutes per hour, whatever they do, whoever they are'.

This is what I believe is a potential danger of living a state of 'What if', its a foothold, allowing emotions like, and agents of doubt and despair to germinate within our being causing a slow destruction from the inside out. The future is not for heroes, it is for us right now. By indulging and keeping on meditating on what could have been, we forget and abandon what is actually going on, or more importantly what should be going on now.

My saying this does not mean, and I certainly do not intend to suggest the preclusion of looking at and dissecting a situation objectively after it has not worked out as intended. I personally believe this to be necessary for growth in understanding and if I may dare say, wisdom. However letting your mind dwell on what could have been 'if only things had been different' (being particularly destructive in comparisons with other persons) lends itself to regressive thinking, low self esteem, and for me personally has been a point where my faith in a loving God has been undermined time and time again. It's rot that I know I must rid myself of.

In addition to ridding myself of this with help from my Creator, who knows how I am meant to be, I must endeavour and submit to understand why I fail to see things through sometimes. So that if it is unjustified more often than it is, which I fear may be the case, reformation may begin. For how else am I to appreciate my need for a doctor unless I understand that I am truly sick?