'Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks' - Luke 6:45
All too often I find myself saying, doing or involved in something that I usually regret in hindsight, if not instantaneously. Even more distressing than that, my feelings of regret I have learnt, are not usually an effective deterrent in stopping me from making the same mistakes again.. and again.. and again. I find that I keep doing the same things repeatedly either expecting different results, or not altogether aware of the consequences even though more often than not they are the same as they have always been, and always will be. More disturbing still, I am frequently unaware of the wrong I do entirely, and it's only when someone points it out that I become sadly appreciative.
My life, all of it, is a reflection and an echo of my heart. How can I say that my heart is good and just when my life i.e everyday living, is altogether bad? My heart and what I find in its depths, is the absolute sum of who I am, what else could be?
How can I believe I am a good person deep down in my heart when, if I am brutally honest with myself (and this is hard), my actions and behaviour demonstrate otherwise, that I cheat, lust, am prideful, tell lies, am greedy, selfish or gossip for example, and this is naming a few. These actions of my living are entirely congruent with the true state of my heart.
'Above all else guard your heart, its the wellspring of your life' - Proverbs 4.23
I need and want for my heart to change, but truthfully and logically I cannot do this on my own; if the integrity of my inner moral compass i.e my heart has been compromised, it doesn't and won't point toward it's true north (as it ought to be). How then can I justify its use in finding my way to anywhere worthwhile? I will not get there through my own personal efforts, how can I? Whilst this is so difficult to appreciate (and I am struggling with this), not to mention tricky to understand, this I am learning is where the beauty of grace begins, yet its so far from the full glorious picture. What I know so far is this: I am fully and unconditionally accepted despite what I am, and am helped everyday to become better; such that I am no longer what I used to be, fully apart from the reality of the mess that I could be, and though always pressing forward, I am not yet what I'm going to be.
image from: http://thefifthgospel.blogspot.com/2010/07/three-visions.html
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